Relationships pt. 1

12:05 AM and I’m sitting here wondering if you are thinking of me.  I think of the times we had together, the good ones when we would be together, laughing till the sun rose. But then I think of the negative, all of those arguments I would let go to give you another chance, the way you would speak down on me, how you would leave me in pieces only to come back and destroy me again when I got better, the way you pretended to care about me. I broke my rules for you, only for you to turn around and break me. Yet here I am waiting for you to come back. 

1:45 AM. I still can’t sleep because I’m sitting here trying to figure out if you ever loved me the same way I loved you. I held you closer than my silence but you doubted its stillness. Little did you notice there was chaos, waiting to erupt in your name.  Sometimes I wonder if it was a mistake loving someone so hard and getting so badly hurt in the process, but other times I know that I would never have known what love is if I didn’t. 

When a person blames you for your reaction to their toxic behavior but never discusses the disrespect that triggered you is considered manipulation. I feel that we confuse manipulation and love. We sit here and let others control our emotions and mentalities in order to make them happy and call that love. Seeking validation from others will just leave you empty, yet we continue to do it. Love should be equal, no person should have to fight for that love. Yet we do? Continuously We sit here and claim it was love. Stop, love doesn’t hurt, and you aren’t being neglected, forgotten, and disrespected. Love is you being seen, heard, heard, and validated. That's what you’ve deserved from the start. Maybe we give our hearts away because we believe even the harshest of hands are more tender than our own. Sometimes we give oceans of love to people, only to later realize how shallow they are.  They never knew how much they hurt you because they never looked at you the way you looked at them. We give people so much more than they deserve.  Giving someone a second chance should never feel like a mistake.  Loving someone should never feel like a mistake. The truth is you can make someone love you but you can’t make them choose you.

You're losing years of your life by staying loyal to someone who keeps treating you like shit. Wake up. When you feel like it’s time to go, don’t fool yourself, don’t break your own heart by staying and giving it another shot. You can love someone, and still walk away because you know you deserve better and because you're done tolerating less than you deserve. They say sorry and we just accept it. Don’t let their words heal if their actions make no amends. Don’t let them apologize if they can’t change what they are sorry for. Learn to let it go. If a connection has withered away, embrace it; you can't water a dead flower and expect it to grow again. just let go.  Leave for good, as no matter how many times you are drawn back to that burning house, fire will not meet you with kindness. You can’t keep fighting for someone who is okay with losing you. Sometimes it takes losing what you want to get what you deserve. Sometimes good things end because we weren’t ready for them to begin with. We need to understand, good things come to an end but not every loss is bad, sometimes it sets you free.