Relationships

Just when I thought I had finally forgotten you. Sleep took over and there we were dancing again.  

12:05 AM and I’m sitting here wondering if you are thinking of me.  I think of the times we had together, the good ones when we would be together, laughing till the sun rose. But then I think of the negative, all of those arguments I would let go to give you another chance, the way you would speak down on me, how you would leave me in pieces only to come back and destroy me again when I got better, the way you pretended to care about me. I broke my rules for you, only for you to turn around and break me. Yet here I am waiting for you to come back. 

1:45 AM. I still can’t sleep because I’m sitting here trying to figure out if you ever loved me the same way I loved you. I held you closer than my silence but you doubted its stillness. Little did you notice there was chaos, waiting to erupt in your name.  Sometimes I wonder if it was a mistake loving someone so hard and getting so badly hurt in the process, but other times I know that I would never have known what love is if I didn’t. 

When a person blames you for your reaction to their toxic behavior but never discusses the disrespect that triggered you is considered manipulation. I feel that we confuse manipulation and love. We sit here and let others control our emotions and mentalities in order to make them happy and call that love. Love should be equal, no person should have to fight for that love. Yet we do? Continuously We sit here and claim it was love. Stop, love doesn’t hurt, and you aren’t being neglected, forgotten, and disrespected. Love is you being seen, heard, heard, and validated. Thats what you’ve deserved from the start. Maybe we give our hearts away because we believe even the harshest of hands are more tender than our own. Sometimes we give oceans of love to people, only to later realize how shallow they are.  They never knew how much they hurt you because they never looked at you the way you looked at them. We give people so much more than they deserve.  Giving someone a second chance should never feel like a mistake.  Loving someone should never feel like a mistake. The truth is you can make someone love you but you can’t make them choose you.

You're losing years of your life by staying loyal to someone who keeps treating you like shit. Wake up. When you feel like it’s time to go, don’t fool yourself, don’t break your own heart by staying and giving it another shot. You can love someone, and still walk away because you know you deserve better and because you're done tolerating less than you deserve. They say sorry and we just accept it. Don’t let their words heal if their actions make no amends. Don’t let them apologize if they can’t change what they are sorry for. Learn to let it go. If a connection has withered away, embrace it you can't water a dead flower and expect it to grow again. just let go.  Leave for good, as no matter how many times you are drawn back to that burning house, fire will not meet you with kindness. You can’t keep fighting for someone who is okay with losing you. Sometimes it takes losing what you want to get what you deserve. Sometimes good things end because we weren’t ready for them to begin with. We need to understand, good things come to an end but not every loss is bad, sometimes it sets you free.

Leaving them, letting them go is sometimes the hardest thing to do. Is it because we think we can’t be loved by someone else? Or because we don’t know anything else? The only way to get over someone is to tell yourself they aren’t coming back. Yeah, it hurts, but you cannot remove a person from your bones while your hands are still shaking.  It’s not like you have to have a sense of regret for meeting them or staying with them, but to regret tolerating the ways they hurt us. We can’t blame them for not loving us, we can only blame them for pretending they did. No person has the right to rip your heart out of your chest and decide how much you are allowed to bleed.  In the end, it’s not about who wants you, it's about who values and respects you. Sometimes the realization that we deserve more is the hardest piece of wisdom to accept. But also accepting you may never fully understand why they did what they did is a part of healing. There is more to you than this pain and there is more to your life than the one who caused it. You'll always feel like you could have done more. But that's your trauma talking. You did enough. And now, it's time for you to let go and honor what you deserve.

I really wanted it to be you, I so badly wanted it to be you. Until I understood you didn’t want it to be me. Sometimes, you cross my mind and I find myself immersed in memories of you--the tender words, the heartfelt promises. It almost feels like a distant dream now. I'm not angry, not mad, or bitter either. I just see things clearer now.  I miss you deeply, wondering how you're doing, where life has taken you, and if everything worked out as you hoped. I sincerely hope that things are going well for you and that you're happy. Perhaps, someday, our paths will cross again, and there won't be any grievances or complaints in our hearts, or maybe not. But I do believe that whatever happens is always for the best, which is why our story didn't unfold as we once imagined. Perhaps, there was no one to blame; we simply weren't destined for each other, and I have finally come to accept that. It's a liberating experience, you know, to release the lingering hope of our connection and embrace the possibilities that lie ahead. By letting go I found love and freedom. I finally found myself and each end was just a new beginning 

It took me a long time to realize that not everything in life is meant to be a beautiful story. Not every person we feel something deep and moving with is meant to make a home within us, is meant to be forever. Sometimes, people come into our lives to teach us how to love; and sometimes, people come into our lives to teach us how not to love. How not to settle, how not to shrink ourselves ever again. Yes, sometimes people leave but that's okay, because their lessons always stay, and that is what matters. That is what remains.