Mental Health pt. 2

I was 15 when I started to feel as if I was falling apart. I was going down a hill and I didn't know how to get back up.  I made myself believe I wasn’t enough. I used to tell myself that nobody would want me because I don’t look like them. I refused to look at myself in the mirror because I was disgusted by what I saw. I would force myself to go days without eating and when I finally did I would be disappointed in myself. I was disappointed in myself for providing my body with one of its basic needs.  Then if my grades went up and down I’d hate myself even more. Because if I can’t be pretty or smart then what am I good for? I genuinely hate who I was, I wanted nothing more than to be gone, to no longer feel that pain. There was one night when I was so done, I just wanted it to be over. That night is my biggest regret, but after that night I began to choose myself. It felt like a mistake at first, but now it has become a habit. In the weeks following I was wishing to know how to let go of this hurt, instead of allowing it to change me. I gave myself hope. Because hope is like a flickering light, but I am doing my best to keep it alive. I chose to be selfish with my happiness because I deserved it. I decided that the only person I needed to be good enough for was myself, I needed to know my worth even if others didn’t. I was growing more and more into myself. Wrapping myself in self-love. I became in love with the thought that I could possibly be something more than I once was. 

Living in fear, too scared to take a chance, too scared of the challenges presented to us. We let society make us believe asking for help is a weakness. It’s not. That one question you are too afraid to ask could be the very thing that sets you free in the best possible way. The chances you never took may haunt you more than any ghost ever could. But we also need to want ourselves. Sometimes, you must be your own anchor, to keep yourself from getting lost at sea. We must gather our broken pieces and build an entire empire out of them. You have to do what’s best for you in order to help yourself. A shift in perspective is sometimes all it takes to see a broken heart still has an open one that is able to let light flood in. It is a progress. You will have steps forward and back. When you feel like you take a step back, you must remember you made it through what you wouldn’t have before. You will make it through this, one breath at a time. You can take time for yourself, whether it is a day, a week, a month, or however long you need. Focus on healing, You are not your fear, you are not your pain, nor are you your doubt or past. You are your own hope. You are greater than voices inside your mind, you are louder than the voice itself. You and your hope are bigger than your pain. 

We are all prisoners of our own expectations. Our own expectations are the heaviest weight we will ever carry. We hide our pain because we believe we are expected to. I guess fake smiles are sometimes the prettiest. We look at other people and expect ourselves to be just like them. I am to be perfect and to do that I have to look like her. If she is perfect then she is what I must be. I am not enough because I am not as pretty, or popular as her.  I apologize to myself daily, but I rarely accept it. I am still trying hard to find my worth in a field full of roses. I am still learning how to control the thorns and say I did okay. Only now do I realize I have always been enough, even when I thought I wasn’t. What we don’t realize is that the person we expect ourselves to be is just as insecure about ourselves as we are. Stop worrying about what other people think of you and focus on yourself instead. Focus on what makes you happy; focus on what makes your soul feel at peace. You are your biggest commitment, so start loving your flaws, your awkwardness, your weirdness, your intensity, and your vulnerability. Life becomes so much more fulfilling when you are simply yourself. The world keeps spinning whether people understand you or not, so why not make this next trip around the sun about you? We constantly sit here and tear ourselves apart because we want to be someone we are not. You sit there looking in that mirror and tell yourself that you’re not enough. We set unrealistic expectations for ourselves because we think we need to be perfect. Perfection is what you make of yourself, not what you want others to see. Be kind to yourself. It may not have been the best of seasons for you in terms of growth and progress but even in the difficulties, there have been so many tiny victories. Be grateful for them. Each time you fall down, each time it feels like you won't make it far-- remind yourself how far you have already come. Remember: there is life beyond your difficulties, only if you find the courage to live through it. Because I will tell you this again and again; You are enough. You are so incredible.