Mental Health

Mental Pain, while it is less dramatic than physical pain, it is more common and also harder to bear. The constant attempt to hide mental pain increases the pain it causes. It is easier to say ‘My head is hurting” than to say ‘My heart is broken’.  I wonder if it has to do with the fear we have of others knowing our struggles. Some people will understand you even when you don’t speak, some won't even when you do. Mental illnesses don’t get discussed as often as they should, they are all pilled into one category, you are just insecure and sad. Being sad or insecure is an issue people struggle with but it is so much more than that. 

Anxiety is defined as a feeling of fear, dread, and uneasiness. However, Anxiety isn’t so much the feeling of being lost at sea but believing you have to fix the whole thing in your stomach. “Having persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities,” is what you see when you look up the definition of depression. Depression is so different for every person, yet we will define it as just losing interest in what makes us happy.  There are 7 types of eating disorders, all of which are different. Yet they’re all thrown under the definition of having extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors involving weight and food. Bipolar disorder, Obsessive-compulsive disorder, social anxiety, schizophrenia, and dissociative disorder. All different types of mental illnesses that more than 26% of Americans ages 18 and older suffer from, that’s about 1 in 4 adults.  According to the CDC, more than 4 in 10 adolescents have struggled with mental illness in their life. I wouldn’t define this as just being sad or insecure, this is all far more serious than that. 

I was 15 when I started to feel as if I was falling apart. I was going down a hill I didn’t know how to get back up.  I made myself believe I wasn’t enough. I used to tell myself that nobody would want me because I didn’t look like them. I refused to look at myself in the mirror because I was disgusted by what I saw. I would force myself to go days without eating and when I finally did I would be disappointed in myself. I was disappointed in myself for providing my body with one of its basic needs.  Then if my grades went up and down I’d hate myself even more, because if I can’t be pretty or smart then what am I good for? I genuinely hated who I was, I wanted nothing more than to be gone, to no longer feel that pain. There was one night when I was so done, I just wanted it to be over. 

We let our past and our struggles define who we are without even expressing it. And then turn around and judge people who show that side of themselves. We all have our struggles and yet here we are hiding them from society, only suppressing them and making things worse for ourselves. We live in fear. That’s the best way to put it I assume.

That night was my biggest regret, but after that night I began to choose myself. It felt like a mistake at first but now it has become a habit. In the weeks following I was wishing to know how to let go of this hurt, instead of allowing it to change me. I gave myself hope, Hope is like a flickering light, but I am doing my best to keep it alive. I chose to be selfish with my happiness because I deserved it. I decided that the only person I needed to be good enough for was myself, I needed to know my worth even if others didn’t. I was growing more and more into myself. Wrapping myself in self-love. I fell in love with the thought that I could be something more than I once was. 

As I’ve learned sometimes, you must be your anchor, to keep yourself from getting lost at sea. We must gather our broken pieces and build an entire empire out of them. You have to do what’s best for you in order to help yourself. A shift in perspective is sometimes all it takes to see a broken heart, to open one that is able to let light flood in. It is a progress. You will have steps forward and back. You will make it through this, one breath at a time. You can take time for yourself, whether it is a day, a week, a month, or however long you need. Once you stop counting the leaves you lose, you will eventually stand tall and wait for the new ones to grow. The beautiful thing about life is that you can always change, grow, and get better. Your past doesn’t get to define you unless you allow it to. You aren’t your mistakes. Let the pain you endure show you that the beauty you keep searching for is already within you. Some of your pieces may be chipped, cracked, or broken but you are still whole. People may not notice the battles you’ve won in silence, but you’ve been incredibly brave, and I hope you give yourself credit for that. I am proud of you for getting through what you shouldn’t have to go through. Don’t hide your scars, they tell the best stories about you. Befriend the storm, sometimes it is the only cure for the chaos.